Here are some of the highlights from Today’s spam. First, the spam I can not possible read. Not ever, not in my lifetime:

ÈÑäÇãÌ ÇßËÑ ãä ÑÇÆÚ íÞæã ÈäÞá ßá ãÍÊæíÇÊ ÌæÇáß Çáì
ÌæÇá ÇÎÑ æãíÒÇÊ ßËíÑÉ

[unreadable foreign page, by honey girl]

I wonder if honey girl is an allowable Arabic name? The next few spam offer me a bunch of deals:

We have been trying to reach you in order to deliver your free Dell Computer Gift Card.

Consumer Incentive Promotions has given you this Free Toshiba 7” Portable DVD Player!* just for following the instructions on our website.

Consumer Incentive Promotions has given you this $300 Visa Gift Card for just following instructions on our website.

This is a limited time promotion, please claim your $500 Starbucks Card before it’s too late!

Does Dell even have gift cards? Does Starbucks sell $500 cards? This next one is pretty funny. It offers me a “high paying” job–in INDIA:

Earn Rs10,000/M Or More From Where Ever U R Located In India. UNBELIEVABLE OFFER TO EARN EXTRA INCOME…right in INDIA…right from U R HOME. Do you have access to computer and internet ? Do you have basic browsing knowledge ? Then you sure can avail this offer…Work at home or internet cafe for 10-12 hrs a week and easily earn Rs 10,000 to Rs 25,000/Month.

And, it’s written in bad, AOL-15-year-old english. “Where ever u r located?” Give me a break! Then there’s the obligatory lovemedicine. We always get at least one of these a day:

Hard & stable erections / Long effects / No prescription required. Only $2.99/$1.99 per dose (2 doses in each pill): CIALIS / VIAGRA.Directly from the manufacturer! [Lovemedicine, don’t buy it!

Some of these just don’t make sense:

Ecb29 Now is your chance to be with a woman who is a total animal…
And give her The Best Experience of Her Life!
This natural herbal cream is activated on touch.
Be prepared to enjoy the lifestyle you only dream of.

“Buying herbal cream” will give me “my chance to be with a woman who is a total animal?” Does not compute. It’s like a beer commercial without the innuendo and text that reads, “Buying our beer will get you laid.” And, last but not least, our classic Nigerian spam… except it is not Nigerian:

I am Mr.Joseph Yun, credit officer of the Chinah Merchant Bank. I have a concealed business suggestion for you.

It’s probably illegal to carry a concealed business proposal, but that aside, any Chinese banker who spells “Chinah” is probably not actually Chinese, but really Nigerian after all.