Just plug your SnūzNLūz in and either connect it to your network via the RJ45 jack on the back, or via WiFi (WPA supported) if available. Then simply configure via the embedded web browser configuration utility. From here it’s a snap. Simply select your online banking institution from the list of supported banks (currently over 1600 are supported). Supply your login information and then select your favorite HATED charity or non-profit from the included lists (over 6200 currently supported). Then plug in your donation amount per snooze incident ($10 or more), set the time, and alarm, and voila, instant time profit!

But not every suggestion is a hit; most are ok, reasonable extensions, but in nearly every phrase I type in there is something hilarious. Take, for example, “learn to speak” which has the usual suspects Spanish, English, Italian, German, and the most unusual Gibberish:

If you ask me, it’s the most expressive language in the world

While most people want to learn to play a guitar, freestyle, or draw, little Johnny is learning to levitate objects:

With his mind, what else?

Americans love to sue you. They’ll do it for wrongful imprisonment, slander, or just about any kind of distress they can of, including tubal ligation failure:

I’d rather check her phone logs…

Ask’ers don’t know much about themselves, so naturally they don’t know if they are pregnant or not, as seen in this query for “how can i:”

Also, your dog is expecting!

A typo on “how do i find” led me to this gem of feng shui confusion:

Since when is this a verb?

I saved the best for last, which is the auto-complete results for “is it legal to,” a horrifying look into modern culture:

The answer is a categorical NO!

There’s an indication that this data is filtered–try starting lesbian, for example–so I’m not sure if I believe these results. My operating assumption is that this is a marketing gimmick to try and get some churn on the blogosphere and free PR. It wouldn’t be hard to drop in a single unlikely phrase to spice things up, now would it?

p.s., don’t type “how should I” or “can I sell my” or “ask me about” because they’re sophomoric. I bet Google’s users are equally idiotic, but they certainly don’t go out of their way to show that to us!

It was a feature all along.

Please, trade in your car for a horse. Do you realize the environmental impact of the entire nation or world owning horses. They shit 9 tons of manure each year, that’s about 50 pounds a day. You also have to stockpile their shit and you can’t have it close to any water sources, so anyone living in rural areas with a well wouldn’t have a place for that, if the water source comes near the stockpile, all local water sources will be contaminated. Then you have to worry about feeding your shitting horse, which requires approximately 25-30 pounds of dry food per day and we have to clear out significantly more land for farms to accomodate for our 300 million new horses (there are approximately 5.5 million horses in the United States) which in turn will destroy the environment and ecosystem as it is. Not only that, but your dumbass shitting horse can only go about 9 mph for 25 miles before having to break, it would take me over 3 hours to get to work which is 30 miles away from where I live instead of the 30 minutes it takes right now. So instead of an hour of driving every day, I’d have 6 hours of riding and 2 hours of shit stockpiling and 2 hours of feeding my shit factory. Not only this but I have to build an accomodation so it can shit all day, and buy a ridiculous amount of feed and have more land… but I guess I wouldn’t care about money at this point since I spend 10 hours of my non-working day taking care of my crappy horse.

We have technology for a reason and the environmental impact of 300 million horses, and 300 million horse pens and 2.7 billion tons of horse shit every year would be absurd…

It makes an excellent point about the environmental scalability of automobiles versus horses. And just wait until we have electric, nuclear, hydrogen, wind, or solar powered vehicles and homes, in which case emissions will fall to what, zero?

Here’s the text bit of the convo… so weird. Names have been anonymized:

(10:50:17 PM) Beila: hi r u mick
(10:50:30 PM) me: oh hai lololololol
(10:50:43 PM) Beila: r u mick
(10:50:52 PM) me: im not
(10:51:07 PM) Beila: ooops sorry then who r u
(10:51:13 PM) me: elliott
(10:51:15 PM) Beila: im beila
(10:51:16 PM) me: i don’t think u know me
(10:51:26 PM) Beila: got a pic elliott ?
(10:51:43 PM) me: yes… but i have a feeling i am too old for you
(10:52:32 PM) Beila: how old r u
(10:52:33 PM) me: You look like my little sister
(10:52:40 PM) Beila: u serious
(10:52:41 PM) me: I’m 23, Beila.
(10:52:42 PM) me: Yeah.
(10:52:47 PM) Beila: im 19
[random images come my way]
(10:53:26 PM) me: who took it?
(10:53:26 PM) Beila: how old is ur sis
(10:53:30 PM) Beila: my dad
(10:53:32 PM) me: it’s a very interesting composition
(10:53:37 PM) me: my sister is 17 now
(10:54:00 PM) Beila: can i see ur pics now
(10:54:07 PM) me: Sure, let me see.
(10:54:42 PM) Beila: whos the girl
(10:54:49 PM) me: that’s my girlfriend, Yunming
(10:57:23 PM) me: So what’s all the photos for?
(10:57:34 PM) Beila: i dunno
(10:57:42 PM) me: bored huh?
(10:57:44 PM) Beila: just like sending them
(10:57:53 PM) Beila: u got more
(10:59:25 PM) me: I am running of photos I want to send you.
(10:59:31 PM) me: But I’m finding this highly amusing.
(11:01:40 PM) Beila: those were all old pics
(11:01:52 PM) Beila: this is wat i look like now
(11:06:15 PM) Beila: i g2g im tired bye
(11:06:20 PM) me: cya

I’ve had friends send me much racier pics than this:

So I sent her things like this:

I suppose in the end it was just a young teenager trying to express herself. What’s odd is that the photos she sent were not all of her–some were disconnected social dialog. Try and make sense of this, these 20 or so photos which were sent to me seconds apart:

WHAT IS THIS!??!?!?!?! I can only assume it’s a weird expression of independence, sexuality, deviance, and what I will unfortunately label “emo.” But, why am I the victim of her stream of consciousness? I’ll never know